Match 2: Juniors Division Fatal Fourway
Sleep Disorder [145 lbs., from "Under the Stairs"] vs. Kirkwood Gaps [170 lbs., from Santa Maria, California] vs. Zane "Zubaz" Vance [214 lbs., from Newport Beach, California] vs. "The One Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio [220 lbs., from Quebrada Seca, Panama]
This one is to be contested under Fatal Fourway rules, which means that it isn't elimination... the first wrestler to score a pinfall or submission gets the victory. Sandles explains that this contest was signed before Zubaz won the Where My Opponent At? contest, and a victory from one of the other three men in the match could "go a long way" to changing the World Junior Heavyweight Championship challenger rankings. I need to start buying PWI again so I can follow those.
"Scary Song" by Skinny Disco brings Sleep Disorder's dead ass to the ring first. Sleep races down to and around the ring in his Ghostface mask and costume, making scary hands at the people at ringside. What's funny about Sleep's entrance gear is that not only does he remove a ghost mask to reveal a smaller, tighter, more confusing ghost mask, but he removes the Scream robe and he's got on that weird t-shirt/poncho thing that completely distorts the dimensions of his body and makes him look like a wrestling pillowcase. Maybe that's part of the gimmick. He's clearly in okay shape, but he could have two extra arms under there and we wouldn't ever know it.
And now comes one of the most important moments in PGA history... the official, television debut of POWER Pro champion and living urban legend, Kirkwood Gaps! His POWER Pro theme, "Symphony of Science" starts up, and it sounds less like a wrestling entrance theme and more like somebody listening to Pure Moods in the background at a low volume. But anyway, the music starts up, and... and plays for a little while, and ughhhhh Kirkwood Gaps isn't showing up again, is he. What happened now, did the Cinnabon or whatever burn down? About a few minutes into it, a second referee comes out of the back making waving-off motions, and Chip Sandles supposes that Kirkwood must not be here again tonight. King Caesar: "Well isn't that a surprise." Sandles says that if Gaps doesn't make it out here, he "guesses" this Fatal Fourway becomes a Triple Threat.
We hear "Surfing with the Alien" for the second time tonight, and Crossfire's championship challenger skateboards (instead of jet-skiing) down the ramp to the ring. Zubaz has kept his cool and faced nothing but success here in PGA since his return, doing shockingly well in the World Juniors Cup and Tag Team Gauntlet, really earning the respect (but not the understanding) of the Omniverse. Zubaz hands off his wraparound shades to a lucky youngster in the front row before rolling into the ring. He stands up right in the path of Sleep Disorder, who goes RAHH and holds up scary hands. Zubaz gives him a double high-five.
The superbly melodramatic, illogically Donkey Kong-inspired "Desafio" by Daddy Yankee and Don Omar interrupts Satch's monster solo with some reggaeton, trumpeting the arrival of "The One-Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio. Hey, it's not fair for him to have a partner if nobody else does! During Whoomp's entrance Sandles announces that he's gotten official word that Kirkwood Gaps "couldn't get out of work obligations" and that we've got a Triple Threat on our hands. Caesar sends us to some prerecorded comments from earlier tonight:
Whoomp, in picture-in-picture in front of a green screen background with his big white Walgreens W on it: "Last wednesday was one ofthe most embarassing and humiliating days for Whoomp Del Rio. I came out to your phone studio and I tried to reach out to the PGA Multiverse. The Pimp even gave them a cute little name - Whoompers. I talked about my loyal work towards charities - all the dying boys and girls want to see Whoomp Del Rio! - and what is my reward for pouring my heart and soul out? I reached out to the fans there. I tolerated being around Larry! Whoomp allowed himself to be seen in the same room as that payaso with the stupid hair. And what did I get as my reward? The PGA Universe picked some never-was surfer over me. Zubaz Vance! You are a talentless old man. You do not deserve that title match. Your star burned softly viejo and faded away fast. And Brian Genius is thanking his lucky stars that Whoomp Del Rio did not win that vote. You are through Zubaz, get out of my way."
Zubaz bucks his shoulders and raises an eyebrow to the camera.
Whoomp: "But Whoomp Del Rio has a plan. You want to take away my deserved opportuniy PGA fans? Well tonight I am going to take away your pay per view match. And surfer, when I put you on the shelf for good tonight Senor Ruby will have no choice but to give me that title opportunity. Sleep Disorder and whatshisname you better not get in my way. PGA fans, bésame el culo. And Marisol, wherever you are, you know where to find me later."
Whoomp saunters around the ring until he gets to the kid in the Zubaz glasses. He stops, checks himself in the reflection of the glasses, and TAKES THE GLASSES OFF OF THE KID. Whoomp TEARS THE GLASSES IN HALF! GUARD YOUR AUTOGRAPH BOOK, KID. Zubaz takes exception to this and slides out of the ring, confronting Whoomp. Whoomp holds the pieces of (cheap) glasses in his hand and blows a kiss, sending them falling to Zubaz's feet. Vance looks like he might actually be getting pissed for the first time in his life, but the tense moment is interrupted by Sleep Disorder, who comes FLYINGGGGG over the top rope with a TOPE CON GIRO THAT LEAVES HIM IN THE THIRD ROW OF THE CROWD! Hahaha wowww, he banked off the top of Whoomp and Vance, cleared the kid and his dad, and landed behind them. HOW MANY LAWSUITS CAN WE GET AT ONCE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. At least he knocked down his opponents.
Sleep comes up in the third row and stands on some free chairs, doing a GRRR at the crowd and getting a pretty good pop. By the time he's climbing over the guardrail, Whoomp is back up and mad, grabbing the Terror That Flips In The Night by his mask and flipping him over backfirst onto the arena floor. Zubaz looks like he's trying to get back into the ring as Whoomp lays a beating on Sleep, stomping him in the back and shoulders. Vance hasn't liked anything that has happened so far, so instead of getting back into the ring he stands up on the apron, runs slowwwwly down it, and JUMPS OFF WITH A LOW CROSSBODY ON WHOOMP DEL RIO! Haha wow, that gets a low HOLY SHIT chant from the fans in the first few rows, and it looks like Zubaz is going to do anything and everything to make his upcoming World Junior Championship attempt count.
That crashes us into a break.
[commercial break]
Back from commercial and the match is still in progress... Sleep Disorder is disoriented down in the corner, adjusting his poncho, as Vance and Del Rio trade chops in the corner. The referee tries to get them out of the corner, and while he's doing this Del Rio PUSHES the ref out of the way and throws a dropkick... but Vance sees it coming and ducks! When Whoomp gets back to his feet, ZUBAZ tries a dropkick, and Whoomp moves out of the way of THAT. So when ZZV gets to his feet again, Del Rio fakes a dropkick, causing Zubaz to move, and Whoomp just throws a straight thumb to the eye for the cheapest shot this side of Rusty Cooledge. Whoomp laughs and maneuvers behind Vance, rolling him up with a schoolboy for a two count.
Whoomp seems pretty proud of himself, standing up and going into some outrageous Panamanian dancing to the horror/delight of the crowd. Sleep Disorder takes this opportunity to rise from the dead... or, uh, whatever.. and hook on the SLEEP CRIME, grounding Whoomp with a surprise inverted Gannosuke clutch! CHECK THE WIKI! The referee counts ONE, TWO, and Zubaz breaks it up. That looked like it was going to be three. BRIAN GENIUS VS. SLEEP DISORDER BOOK IT. Whoomp tries to get to his feet, so Zubaz dropkicks him in the butt to knock him down again. Haha, ass-based offense. Sleep connects with a step-up hurricanrana on Vance, flipping him and his mullet over. Sleep tries to cover on Whoomp, but it only gets one.
Sleep gets to his feet and starts a slow clap, which most of the audience picks up on. It looks like Sleep Disorder is positioning himself to step up off of Zubaz's back into something onto Whoomp... the crowd rises to their feet as Sleep hits the ropes... he steps up onto Zubaz's back and jumps off, landing on Whoomp's shoulders for a rana! But Whoomp catches him, and won't go down... Whoomp turns and looks like he's going to powerbomb Sleep into the turnbuckles, but instead puts his hands on Sleep's butt and pushes him UP and OUT. Sleep actually lands BUTT FIRST on the top turnbuckle, and kinda sorta sells it as something, but I'm not sure it was supposed to hurt. Whoomp charges in and Sleep gets a foot up to cut him off.
Whoomp Del Rio stumbles backwards a bit, so Sleep stands up on the top rope and dives off with a high cross body, which WHOOMP TURNS INTO A STANDING MOONSAULT POWERSLAM! SHIT, RIGHT OFF OF THE FLYING CROSS BODY! UNBELIEVABLE! Whoomp looks satisfied with himself and holds on for the pin... the referee starts to count, but Zubaz is up and HOOKING WHOOMP'S LEGS FOR THE SURFBOARD! Whoomp is flailing his arms around, yelling NO! NO! Vance falls back and lifts Whoomp up for the surfboard, then DROPS HIM BACK WITH THE SURFBOARD DRIVER! RIGHT ON HIS BIG PANAMANIAN HEAD! OHHH IT'S EVEN MORE GRUESOME IN REAL TIME.
Vance smartly goes for the cover on Sleep Disorder, and gets the one, two, and three! Zane Vance wins the Fatal Threeway!
Winner: Zane "Zubaz" Vance [pinfall]
Some smart wrestling by Zubaz there, using his experience advantage and Whoomp's deep personal sense of arrogance to get the win. Whoomp didn't take a lot of punishment in the match so he's recovering fairly quickly from that horrific Surfboard Driver, and gets his eyes open and focused just in time to see Vance strutting up the ramp to the back. We haven't seen the last of the Whoomp/Zubaz relationship, I can tell you that much. Vance challenges for the World Junior Heavyweight Championship next week!
Monday, January 25, 2010
PGA Primetime Wednesday! 1/13/10
- We're back with Larry, Marisol, Faizon and the teens. Cue the on-cue party!
Larry: "Hi fans, things are getting hot and heavy here in the Boost Mobile Where My Opponent At? Command Center! You've been voting at a faster pace than ever, as everyone in the PGA Omniverse wants to get their final votes in before tonight's deadline!"
Faizon: "It's a good thing that Boost Mobile® has the best and most reliable network in the business to handle all of these online votes and texts, Larry! It’s out-STANDING."
Larry: "It sure is, Faizon! Thanks again to our friends at Boost Mobile® for giving PGA fans a chance to let their voices be heard! Marisol, why don't you tell the fans about some of the other World Junior Heavyweight Championship contenders that they can vote for?"
My god, if you were playing a drinking game with 'Boost Mobile®' as an option, you'd be dead already. The TV-phone screen fires up some Kid Falcon (text PGA5554) footage --- all from his match with Whoomp Del Rio last week and what looks like a shot of him arm-dragging Larry Little Feather at the PGA Academy. But hey, it's a good looking armdrag.
Marisol: "Sure thing, Larry! Next up is a newcomer to the PGA and one of the prize new recruits from the PGA Academy, Kid Falcon!"
Faizon: "Why, hey! He's the champion! He's got my vote!"
Marisol: "Er, no, no, that's KING Falcon who's the world heavyweight champion. Honest mistake, Faizon!"
Faizon: "Out-STANDING!"
Larry: "Well, there's no mistaking our next voting option, the one and only Demon Drum, Raijin Narukami! (PGA5555) He's another former World Junior Heavyweight Champion and he fought Brian Genius to a time limit draw at our last pay-per-view, FInal Four!"
Marisol: "A lot of people think Raijin would've won that match if he had a bit more time. Maybe he'll get another chance at Crossfire!"
Faizon: "And then there's the...[pause] Premiere Panamanian Pimp of the PGA, Whoomp Del Rio! (PGA5556). Whoomp there it is, eh guys! Ha-HA!"
Suddenly, we cut away from the highlights back to the studio, where this music fires up and Whoomp Del Rio himself walks onto the stage! The teen audience is booing him, which seems a bit odd to me, but who's to say with these kids today.
Larry: "And Whoomp here he is indeed! Whoomp Del Rio, what brings you to the Boost Mobile® Where My Opponent At? Command Center!"
Whoomp: "Larry, Larry, Larry! And Faizon, good to meet you. And you, my dear, must be Marisol. I was told to look for the loveliest woman in all of Philadelphia, but my word, that was only a modest description."
WDR kisses Marisol's hand. She takes it in stride.
Whoomp: "Whoomp Del Rio is here to personally say hello to all of the PGA fans who are voting on the, how you say, Boost Mobile®! That texting number is PGA5556. The extra six is because I'm extra six-y, ha ha!"
Faizon: "This guy is out-STANDING!"
Whoomp: "But seriously, fans, it would be a great honor to wrestle on your behalf for the World Junior Heavyweight Championship. It would not just be a great pleasure to me, but also to all of the young Whoomp Del Rio fans, my little Whoompers, who I have visited for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I may be a one-man tag team, but when I do choose to take a partner [he winks at Marisol], I will always be in the Make-A-Wish Foundation's corner!"
Larry: "Well, that's very impress..."
Whoomp: "....to say nothing of my good friends at the Central American Hurricane Relief Fund. Ah yes, I have spent many an evening looking over the damage incurred by a Panamanian village as the result of a nasty, nasty hurricane. The only thing more powerful than that storm will be the storm in my heart when I wrestle with the spirit of all of those unfortunate hurricane victims at Crossfire."
Faizon: "You are truly an inspiration, Mr. Rio."
Whoomp: "Thank you, Faizon. I try. That's PGA5556."
Marisol: "And with that, we'll go from the Boost Mobile® Where My Opponent At? Command Center back to the ring! Chip, King?"
Larry: "Hi fans, things are getting hot and heavy here in the Boost Mobile Where My Opponent At? Command Center! You've been voting at a faster pace than ever, as everyone in the PGA Omniverse wants to get their final votes in before tonight's deadline!"
Faizon: "It's a good thing that Boost Mobile® has the best and most reliable network in the business to handle all of these online votes and texts, Larry! It’s out-STANDING."
Larry: "It sure is, Faizon! Thanks again to our friends at Boost Mobile® for giving PGA fans a chance to let their voices be heard! Marisol, why don't you tell the fans about some of the other World Junior Heavyweight Championship contenders that they can vote for?"
My god, if you were playing a drinking game with 'Boost Mobile®' as an option, you'd be dead already. The TV-phone screen fires up some Kid Falcon (text PGA5554) footage --- all from his match with Whoomp Del Rio last week and what looks like a shot of him arm-dragging Larry Little Feather at the PGA Academy. But hey, it's a good looking armdrag.
Marisol: "Sure thing, Larry! Next up is a newcomer to the PGA and one of the prize new recruits from the PGA Academy, Kid Falcon!"
Faizon: "Why, hey! He's the champion! He's got my vote!"
Marisol: "Er, no, no, that's KING Falcon who's the world heavyweight champion. Honest mistake, Faizon!"
Faizon: "Out-STANDING!"
Larry: "Well, there's no mistaking our next voting option, the one and only Demon Drum, Raijin Narukami! (PGA5555) He's another former World Junior Heavyweight Champion and he fought Brian Genius to a time limit draw at our last pay-per-view, FInal Four!"
Marisol: "A lot of people think Raijin would've won that match if he had a bit more time. Maybe he'll get another chance at Crossfire!"
Faizon: "And then there's the...[pause] Premiere Panamanian Pimp of the PGA, Whoomp Del Rio! (PGA5556). Whoomp there it is, eh guys! Ha-HA!"
Suddenly, we cut away from the highlights back to the studio, where this music fires up and Whoomp Del Rio himself walks onto the stage! The teen audience is booing him, which seems a bit odd to me, but who's to say with these kids today.
Larry: "And Whoomp here he is indeed! Whoomp Del Rio, what brings you to the Boost Mobile® Where My Opponent At? Command Center!"
Whoomp: "Larry, Larry, Larry! And Faizon, good to meet you. And you, my dear, must be Marisol. I was told to look for the loveliest woman in all of Philadelphia, but my word, that was only a modest description."
WDR kisses Marisol's hand. She takes it in stride.
Whoomp: "Whoomp Del Rio is here to personally say hello to all of the PGA fans who are voting on the, how you say, Boost Mobile®! That texting number is PGA5556. The extra six is because I'm extra six-y, ha ha!"
Faizon: "This guy is out-STANDING!"
Whoomp: "But seriously, fans, it would be a great honor to wrestle on your behalf for the World Junior Heavyweight Championship. It would not just be a great pleasure to me, but also to all of the young Whoomp Del Rio fans, my little Whoompers, who I have visited for the Make-A-Wish Foundation. I may be a one-man tag team, but when I do choose to take a partner [he winks at Marisol], I will always be in the Make-A-Wish Foundation's corner!"
Larry: "Well, that's very impress..."
Whoomp: "....to say nothing of my good friends at the Central American Hurricane Relief Fund. Ah yes, I have spent many an evening looking over the damage incurred by a Panamanian village as the result of a nasty, nasty hurricane. The only thing more powerful than that storm will be the storm in my heart when I wrestle with the spirit of all of those unfortunate hurricane victims at Crossfire."
Faizon: "You are truly an inspiration, Mr. Rio."
Whoomp: "Thank you, Faizon. I try. That's PGA5556."
Marisol: "And with that, we'll go from the Boost Mobile® Where My Opponent At? Command Center back to the ring! Chip, King?"
PGA Primetime Wednesday! 1/7/10
- Backstage, Larry Csonka is standing by in a designated area for oil drum and rectangular fence piece storage with Whoomp Del Rio. Whoomp is wearing trunks that are so white I consider getting up and turning down the brightness of my television.
Larry: "Good evening everyone, Larry Csonka here with a man who makes his debut in a HANDICAP match tonight, one Whoomp Del Rio. Whoomp, how are you?" [points microphone]
Whoomp: "Well you know somethin' Larry... Hey, wait a minute, where is that fine young chica with the flower in her hair Larry? The Premiere Panamanian Pimp of the PGA did not come here for your 'tight end' Larry, ha ha, football see?"
Larry makes a face that screams "did they insert me into another fucking Marisol segment."
Whoomp: "Anyway, tonight I, Whoomp Del Rio, finally get some action in the wrestling ring, ha ha. The Highest Paid Panamanian in PGA history now has the chance to show these new PGA fans just what he is made of. I've been doing my squats, Whoomp's been doing his pushups and tonight he is ready to take on not one but two men, if you can call them that. So PGA students Kid Falcon, Jason Waterfalls, you two are gonna learn that you shouldn't have left the schoolyard, because in the real world, the bullies? The bullies are much tougher. And no bully is tougher than the hermano who is his own tag team partner, the one and the only Whoomp Del Rio."
Larry starts to talk, but Whoomp just talks over him.
Whoomp: "And after it is all over, Prima Donnas, ha ha, I hope you are well rested, because you are gonna be up all night with me. Ha ha!"
Whoomp drops the sunglasses to the end of his nose, jerks his head away, and exits stage right, leaving Larry dumbfounded.
---
Match 3: Handicap Match
"The One Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio [220 lbs., from Quebrada Seca, Panama] vs. Jason Waterfalls and Kid Falcon [total combined weight 364 lbs.]
Surprisingly enough the students aren't already in the ring, so I guess that honor belongs solely to Brownie Gonzalez tonight. The lights go down, and in a moment that gives me one part mark out one part eye roll, the Metallica cover of Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" starts up, and out from the entrance curtain emerge Jason Waterfalls, who we met last week, and... he really exists, Kid Falcon. Kid Falcon is billed at 165 pounds but he barely looks it, he stands about 5'9... he's got a crazy getup, too, with a stylized King Falcon mask with like, silver wings coming off the sides and full arm blue sleeves that connect to his neck and mask with NO SHIRT. He's a wirey little guy but he's got a little bit of muscle tone, long blue tights with silver designs on the sides and big clunky silver boots with pads and kickpads. The crowd seems to like him existing so I'm just going to see where it goes.
Did anybody else read the feature about the 2010 students in this week's Wrestling Contemplator? I can't believe the bear cub is ACTUALLY Chumly the Bear III. He's not the direct cub of Chumly, so I guess it's a Rey Misterio/Rey Misterio Jr. type of thing. And I'm not sure which name I like better, the Irish guy in the gladiator pants being named "Rick O'Shea" or the cute girl in the beret being "Marcy Beaucoup." Kid Falcon does one of those old school Jeff Hardy forward flips over the top rope into the ring, landing clumsily but getting all the way over. He looks like an okay athlete at least, and I'm just unsure enough of him to picture him fucking up a dive and seriously injuring someone.
In a complete change of pace, "Desafio" by Daddy Yankee and Don Omar is the entrance theme of Whoomp Del Rio, because I guess Black Dude got to the obvious choice first. Whoomp's bright ass white tights have an orange "W" on the butt in Walgreens/Washington Nationals font, and he's got a white elbow pad, white kneepads, and white boots with orange trim. Dude looks like a Panamanian tic tac. He semi-dance struts his way down to the ring, stopping to kiss any ladies he sees in the front row on the cheek... he sees a fat lady in the crowd and starts in to kiss her, then makes a face and moves on. Bad form, Whoomp. He rolls into the ring, and now we get to find out what all the "one man tag team" business is about.
The bell sounds, and Del Rio (who is about 6'1, 6'2) starts off against Jason Waterfalls. According to the Contemplator, Waterfalls is at the top of his class right now, which might explain why he's got the most boring look and gimmick and is already losing to people on television. That's was Cobb Salad's problem. He didn't get the "guy from Harry Potter" or "son of a bitch indian" gimmicks. Del Rio and Waterfalls tie up, and Whoomp quickly turns that into a standing monkey flip. Nicely done! He drops a series of fast elbows on Waterfalls, who clutches his chest and rolls out of the ring.
Kid Falcon hops over the top rope into an indy standoff pose, but gets stopped in his tracks when Whoomp puts up his hands and says "whoa whoa whoaaa." Whoomp then walks to HIS corner, makes a fake "tag" motion, steps out of the ring, then steps BACK into the ring. The audience collectively goes "ohhhhhhhhhh okay that's what he does," and we move on from it. Kid Falcon charges in, but Whoomp sidesteps him and smacks him in the back, sending him chest first into the turnbuckle. Del Rio hooks the student for a reverse suplex, but suplexes him backfirst into the top turnbuckle, letting the Kid Falcon flip and land awkwardly on his head. Not very nice, Whoomp!
Jason Waterfalls is back in now, and attacks Whoomp from behind, hitting some forearms and hooking in a headlock. That doesn't last long as Whoomp backs up into the ropes and escapes, shooting Waterfalls into the ropes, and backdropping him on the rebound with a resounding HUH! Kid Falcon is up on the top rope now, and when Del Rio turns around, Falcon flies and connects with a hurricanrana! The kid's got legs! Whoomp comes up to his feet quickly and falls backwards into the corner, and Kid Falcon charges in again... Whoomp alley oops him up and over, and Falcon lands on the second ropes! Whoomp is momentarily confused, so Falcon jumps from the second ropes, turning 180 in the air and landing on the TOP ropes (nice!)... Whoomp simply turns around and sweeps Kid Falcon's legs out from under him, causing him to flop and land chest first on the top turnbuckle!
He's still hanging up there precariously as Jason Waterfalls charges in now, but Whoomp sidesteps him and sends him crashing into Falcon, before dumping him out of the ring through the ropes. With Kid Falcon dead to rights, Whoomp European uppercuts him with the right arm, then with the left arm, and pulls him off the top into a fallaway slam position. Then he decides to STANDING MOONSAULT POWERSLAM him for the three. One man tag team, I guess!
Winner: Whoomp Del Rio [standing moonsault powerslam]
Chip Sandles tells us that that move is called the "Breathtaker," and Whoomp claims he can execute it on anyone and hit it from anywhere. An impressive win for Whoomp, and hey, Kid Falcon's got some promise in him. We hear Del Rio's reggaton theme again, because he likes reggae a ton.
Larry: "Good evening everyone, Larry Csonka here with a man who makes his debut in a HANDICAP match tonight, one Whoomp Del Rio. Whoomp, how are you?" [points microphone]
Whoomp: "Well you know somethin' Larry... Hey, wait a minute, where is that fine young chica with the flower in her hair Larry? The Premiere Panamanian Pimp of the PGA did not come here for your 'tight end' Larry, ha ha, football see?"
Larry makes a face that screams "did they insert me into another fucking Marisol segment."
Whoomp: "Anyway, tonight I, Whoomp Del Rio, finally get some action in the wrestling ring, ha ha. The Highest Paid Panamanian in PGA history now has the chance to show these new PGA fans just what he is made of. I've been doing my squats, Whoomp's been doing his pushups and tonight he is ready to take on not one but two men, if you can call them that. So PGA students Kid Falcon, Jason Waterfalls, you two are gonna learn that you shouldn't have left the schoolyard, because in the real world, the bullies? The bullies are much tougher. And no bully is tougher than the hermano who is his own tag team partner, the one and the only Whoomp Del Rio."
Larry starts to talk, but Whoomp just talks over him.
Whoomp: "And after it is all over, Prima Donnas, ha ha, I hope you are well rested, because you are gonna be up all night with me. Ha ha!"
Whoomp drops the sunglasses to the end of his nose, jerks his head away, and exits stage right, leaving Larry dumbfounded.
---
Match 3: Handicap Match
"The One Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio [220 lbs., from Quebrada Seca, Panama] vs. Jason Waterfalls and Kid Falcon [total combined weight 364 lbs.]
Surprisingly enough the students aren't already in the ring, so I guess that honor belongs solely to Brownie Gonzalez tonight. The lights go down, and in a moment that gives me one part mark out one part eye roll, the Metallica cover of Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" starts up, and out from the entrance curtain emerge Jason Waterfalls, who we met last week, and... he really exists, Kid Falcon. Kid Falcon is billed at 165 pounds but he barely looks it, he stands about 5'9... he's got a crazy getup, too, with a stylized King Falcon mask with like, silver wings coming off the sides and full arm blue sleeves that connect to his neck and mask with NO SHIRT. He's a wirey little guy but he's got a little bit of muscle tone, long blue tights with silver designs on the sides and big clunky silver boots with pads and kickpads. The crowd seems to like him existing so I'm just going to see where it goes.
Did anybody else read the feature about the 2010 students in this week's Wrestling Contemplator? I can't believe the bear cub is ACTUALLY Chumly the Bear III. He's not the direct cub of Chumly, so I guess it's a Rey Misterio/Rey Misterio Jr. type of thing. And I'm not sure which name I like better, the Irish guy in the gladiator pants being named "Rick O'Shea" or the cute girl in the beret being "Marcy Beaucoup." Kid Falcon does one of those old school Jeff Hardy forward flips over the top rope into the ring, landing clumsily but getting all the way over. He looks like an okay athlete at least, and I'm just unsure enough of him to picture him fucking up a dive and seriously injuring someone.
In a complete change of pace, "Desafio" by Daddy Yankee and Don Omar is the entrance theme of Whoomp Del Rio, because I guess Black Dude got to the obvious choice first. Whoomp's bright ass white tights have an orange "W" on the butt in Walgreens/Washington Nationals font, and he's got a white elbow pad, white kneepads, and white boots with orange trim. Dude looks like a Panamanian tic tac. He semi-dance struts his way down to the ring, stopping to kiss any ladies he sees in the front row on the cheek... he sees a fat lady in the crowd and starts in to kiss her, then makes a face and moves on. Bad form, Whoomp. He rolls into the ring, and now we get to find out what all the "one man tag team" business is about.
The bell sounds, and Del Rio (who is about 6'1, 6'2) starts off against Jason Waterfalls. According to the Contemplator, Waterfalls is at the top of his class right now, which might explain why he's got the most boring look and gimmick and is already losing to people on television. That's was Cobb Salad's problem. He didn't get the "guy from Harry Potter" or "son of a bitch indian" gimmicks. Del Rio and Waterfalls tie up, and Whoomp quickly turns that into a standing monkey flip. Nicely done! He drops a series of fast elbows on Waterfalls, who clutches his chest and rolls out of the ring.
Kid Falcon hops over the top rope into an indy standoff pose, but gets stopped in his tracks when Whoomp puts up his hands and says "whoa whoa whoaaa." Whoomp then walks to HIS corner, makes a fake "tag" motion, steps out of the ring, then steps BACK into the ring. The audience collectively goes "ohhhhhhhhhh okay that's what he does," and we move on from it. Kid Falcon charges in, but Whoomp sidesteps him and smacks him in the back, sending him chest first into the turnbuckle. Del Rio hooks the student for a reverse suplex, but suplexes him backfirst into the top turnbuckle, letting the Kid Falcon flip and land awkwardly on his head. Not very nice, Whoomp!
Jason Waterfalls is back in now, and attacks Whoomp from behind, hitting some forearms and hooking in a headlock. That doesn't last long as Whoomp backs up into the ropes and escapes, shooting Waterfalls into the ropes, and backdropping him on the rebound with a resounding HUH! Kid Falcon is up on the top rope now, and when Del Rio turns around, Falcon flies and connects with a hurricanrana! The kid's got legs! Whoomp comes up to his feet quickly and falls backwards into the corner, and Kid Falcon charges in again... Whoomp alley oops him up and over, and Falcon lands on the second ropes! Whoomp is momentarily confused, so Falcon jumps from the second ropes, turning 180 in the air and landing on the TOP ropes (nice!)... Whoomp simply turns around and sweeps Kid Falcon's legs out from under him, causing him to flop and land chest first on the top turnbuckle!
He's still hanging up there precariously as Jason Waterfalls charges in now, but Whoomp sidesteps him and sends him crashing into Falcon, before dumping him out of the ring through the ropes. With Kid Falcon dead to rights, Whoomp European uppercuts him with the right arm, then with the left arm, and pulls him off the top into a fallaway slam position. Then he decides to STANDING MOONSAULT POWERSLAM him for the three. One man tag team, I guess!
Winner: Whoomp Del Rio [standing moonsault powerslam]
Chip Sandles tells us that that move is called the "Breathtaker," and Whoomp claims he can execute it on anyone and hit it from anywhere. An impressive win for Whoomp, and hey, Kid Falcon's got some promise in him. We hear Del Rio's reggaton theme again, because he likes reggae a ton.
PGA Primetime Wednesday! 12/30/09
- Chip and King make sure we know that the win was "impressive" and talk about all the new stars coming to PGA. They also mention the return of some old stars, and I sit up in my seat and start to take notice thinking it's going to be Crane or Salvador Serpiente or even the New Deal, but instead we send it to Larry Csonka, standing by with.... well...
- Csonka: [standing by] "Good evening everyone, right now it's my privelage to bring back a face we haven't seen in quite a while... he first joined the new PGA as part of B. Armstrong Ruby's World Talent Initiative back in February. He is the highest paid Panamanian star in the HISTORY of the PGA! He is none other than "The One Man Tag Team," Whoomp Del Rio!"
And sure enough, Whoomp Del Rio is there with Larry, looking as though he may have had some sort of reconstructive surgery since the last time we saw him. He's looking pretty svelt in his billowing Hawaiian t-shirt. Do they wear Hawaiian shirts in Panama?
Whoomp: [in a thick accent] "Good to be back, Larry."
Csonka: "Now, the One Man Tag Team is no stranger to the Pro Graps Association."
We cut to a video of archive footage from house shows, where Whoomp was competing for the PGA in 2008 (wow). We get clips from I think three different squash matches, before cutting to Whoomp being interviewed by an unsoiled Pru (they've got to have a Pru DVD coming out with all this archival footage they've been showing). A few flirtations into it, Lester Balaam Jackson debuts, brutally assaulting him in black and white.
Csonka: "How have you been since then, Whoomp?"
Whoomp: "Well you know something Lair, that was a traumatic day for me, and a tragic day for the great nation of Panama. My beautiful face was destroyed by that no good redneck and since that time, no new modeling contracts have come in for Whoomp Del Rio. But I spent my time convalescing, my scar’s have healed, and the best doctors in the world have made sure that Whoomp Del Rio is still not only the highest paid Panamanian in Pro Graps history, but also the sexiest, ha ha."
Csonka: "That certainly appears to be the case, Whoomp." [points microphone]
Whoomp: "And you know what else Lar, Whoomp Del Rio came to this company in 2008, and I had my troubles, I had my problems. I only competed in a few matches you know? I came back in the new PGA, ready to show off my amazing natural skills and what do I get? Some perdedor from the hills sucker punching me and trying to maim my beautiful face, my meal ticket! Well Lester Jackson, you’ve got hell coming to you amigo. You will get yours. But not just yet. Before I take care of that lunatic I want to start the career in PGA I have not yet had. I want titles. I want pay-per-view payoffs. I want to wrestle on the world's biggest stage for the number one wrestling organization around, the PGA. So Brian Genius you better watch out! King Falcon, I'm gunning for you! And the women of the XX-Division, ha ha, you know Whoomp Del Rio is coming for you."
Whoomp slides his glasses down to the tip of his nose, winks at the camera, and Rocky Maivia walks his way off screen. Csonka stands there staring off into the distance for an awkward moment, meaning that he's either blown away by what he's just heard, he has a crush on Whoomp Del freaking Rio, or this segment was originally written for Marisol and they just didn't remember to change it. And that Larry is a trooper.
- Csonka: [standing by] "Good evening everyone, right now it's my privelage to bring back a face we haven't seen in quite a while... he first joined the new PGA as part of B. Armstrong Ruby's World Talent Initiative back in February. He is the highest paid Panamanian star in the HISTORY of the PGA! He is none other than "The One Man Tag Team," Whoomp Del Rio!"
And sure enough, Whoomp Del Rio is there with Larry, looking as though he may have had some sort of reconstructive surgery since the last time we saw him. He's looking pretty svelt in his billowing Hawaiian t-shirt. Do they wear Hawaiian shirts in Panama?
Whoomp: [in a thick accent] "Good to be back, Larry."
Csonka: "Now, the One Man Tag Team is no stranger to the Pro Graps Association."
We cut to a video of archive footage from house shows, where Whoomp was competing for the PGA in 2008 (wow). We get clips from I think three different squash matches, before cutting to Whoomp being interviewed by an unsoiled Pru (they've got to have a Pru DVD coming out with all this archival footage they've been showing). A few flirtations into it, Lester Balaam Jackson debuts, brutally assaulting him in black and white.
Csonka: "How have you been since then, Whoomp?"
Whoomp: "Well you know something Lair, that was a traumatic day for me, and a tragic day for the great nation of Panama. My beautiful face was destroyed by that no good redneck and since that time, no new modeling contracts have come in for Whoomp Del Rio. But I spent my time convalescing, my scar’s have healed, and the best doctors in the world have made sure that Whoomp Del Rio is still not only the highest paid Panamanian in Pro Graps history, but also the sexiest, ha ha."
Csonka: "That certainly appears to be the case, Whoomp." [points microphone]
Whoomp: "And you know what else Lar, Whoomp Del Rio came to this company in 2008, and I had my troubles, I had my problems. I only competed in a few matches you know? I came back in the new PGA, ready to show off my amazing natural skills and what do I get? Some perdedor from the hills sucker punching me and trying to maim my beautiful face, my meal ticket! Well Lester Jackson, you’ve got hell coming to you amigo. You will get yours. But not just yet. Before I take care of that lunatic I want to start the career in PGA I have not yet had. I want titles. I want pay-per-view payoffs. I want to wrestle on the world's biggest stage for the number one wrestling organization around, the PGA. So Brian Genius you better watch out! King Falcon, I'm gunning for you! And the women of the XX-Division, ha ha, you know Whoomp Del Rio is coming for you."
Whoomp slides his glasses down to the tip of his nose, winks at the camera, and Rocky Maivia walks his way off screen. Csonka stands there staring off into the distance for an awkward moment, meaning that he's either blown away by what he's just heard, he has a crush on Whoomp Del freaking Rio, or this segment was originally written for Marisol and they just didn't remember to change it. And that Larry is a trooper.
PGA Primetime Wednesday! 2/25/09
- Backstage with PRU++ (who looks ravishing in chopped up pieces of a pink and purple striped dress and an airbrushed trucker hat), who is standing by as only she can with the "highest paid Panamanian Superstar" in the history of PGA, "The One Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio. Whoomp regales us with stories of his youth, jumping the canal, stopping to slide his sunglasses to the end of his nose and eye Pru a few times.
Uh, and as he's talking a big, neatly trimmed by absolutely psychotic-by-sight guy in an old red and black flannel shirt appears in the hallway behind him, walking towards him and yelling some Deuteronomical bible verse about the Wrath of the Lord. Del Rio just sort of laughs nervously and turns to confront him, and dude SLAMS WHOOMP'S HEAD AGAINST THE WALL and starts BITING HIS NOSE OFF, then THROWS HIM BY THE LEG into the catering table (a card table) and BREAKS A COFFEE URN ACROSS HIS FACE, still screaming scripture and repeatedly slamming his head into the floor. At the risk of earning some Biblical violence myself, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what was that?? We had thirty seconds of OMC doing "wrestlers promo!" to Pru, and then fucking Death Incarnate shows up and it's a snuff film.
Trainers, referees, EMTs show up (all with bandages around their heads) to treat the gaping, gushing wound that used to be Whoomp Del Rio's face. Yech, he's bleeding onto the baby carrots. Suddenly the big calms down and nods his head politely to a freaked-out (with good reason) Pru, then DRAGS DEL RIO AWAY BY THE LEG muttering something about "we all got to answer when that big bell rings" under his breath. What. The. Fuckkkk.
[Mercifully, another commercial break]
- Back from commercial and police are on the scene, asking Pru about what went down. Was that even part of the show? Or did North Carolina just vomit up the devil backstage at PGA?
- In the announcers booth, Tom and King are worried that a serious injury bag might not be enough to help if you get your face broken by a coffee urn and you are dragged away to a hillbilly shack and you are murdered. They wish Whoomp the best in his future endeavors, be they what they are.
----
- Backstage again, Chip Sandles (d'oh) is standing by with El Hijo De Don Leo Jonathan. You may remember him as that guy who got x'd by the aforementioned King Falcon dive last week, so instead of bandages wrapped around his head he's wearing two casts and a halo. Chip asks him how he's feeling (how the fuck do you think he's feeling you square), and Jonathan's response is "every day's a challenge." He swears he'll get back in the ring.
Out of nowhere the backstage door bursts into pieces as the CRAZY EVIL BIBLE GUY FROM EARLIER BARGES IN AND USES WHOOMP DEL RIO AS A WEAPON TO ASSAULT DON LEO JONATHAN!!! I THOUGHT WE HAD THE POLICE TAKING CARE OF THIS. Chip Sandles runs for his life (good call, Chip), and the big guy just keeps wailing on DLJ with Whoomp Del Rio (holding him by the ankles like a baseball bat), screaming and ranting about the "whores of Babylon" (or something). WHAT IS GOING ON, SHOOT HIM SOMEBODY
After a minute or so, this fucked up guy holds Don Leocito by a leg and Del Rio by a leg and drags them out of the room. You don't think... no, he's not...
- Back in the ring, B. Armstrong Ruby is on a cell phone. He hangs up, and announces to the crowd that the new decision is that PGA isn't going to be TV-PG, but they're going to TRY to be TV-PG, and if you could please not write words like "F word" and "B word" and "pedophile" on your posters it would be greatly appreciated. He asks us if we're ready for the main event, and the crowd cheers.
And then...
- This GUY with the jobbers comes out through the entrance way, leaving two lines of blood behind him wherever he walks. Somebody better get out there and make sure nothing happens to the commissioner, I don't want another month without wrestling. Morse says that the police have identified this man as "Lester Balaam Jackson," that he's from " 'round Old Fort, North Carolina" and that he wandered backstage because one of the production guys left the door open. WHAT THE HELL, YOU GUYS
Jackson has his victims at ringside now, and Ruby looks like he's about to lose his mind. Del Rio gets rolled into the ring, and he's just torn up completely. Horrible to look at. Jackson rolls El Hijo De Don Leo Jonathan in after him, and it's the same story. He makes a neat little pile of them and climbs into the ring himself. What. Is. Going. On. Ruby is talking to the production truck over the microphone.
Jackson has absolutely no expression on his face. He reaches into his pocket and PULLS OUT A SWITCHBLADE JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, somebody needs to... and, uh... he sits down on top of the jobber body pile and starts carving up an apple. Ruby almost pissed himself. *I* almost pissed myself. Now Jackson is singing "Old Man River" to himself. What is this dude's damage? Ruby finally acknowledges him.
Ruby: "What the hell is this? Who are you? Are you a wrestler?"
Jackson stares him down coldly, then stands. Ruby won't take his eyes off the switchblade.
Jackson: [softly] "Can be."
Ruby: "Well, we don't DO THINGS like this around here in the PGA. We do what we do for these fans, to entertain them, to push our bodies to the limit, test our strength... we don't go around -"
Oh shit, Jackson just took a step toward him. Ruby looks to security, but they're all huddled against the back wall with white faces. Ruby looks to Caesar and Morse, who appear to be hiding under their announce table. Ruby looks back down at the switchblade. AND "FIESTA" BY THE POGUES KICKS IN!! FUCK YES
At the top of the entrance way stands Salvador motherfucking Serpiente in full bandito gear. Jackson seems distracted by him and turns to face him. Serpiente whips out the six shooters and fires them off at the ceiling! Off comes the sombrero. Off comes the bandolero bullet belt. Off comes the poncho. THIS IS REAL, BABY.
Match 6: Salvador Serpiente [227 lbs., from City of Zacatecas, Mexico] vs. Lester Balaam Jackson [??? lbs., from 'round Old Fort, North Carolina]
Salvador rushes the ring and the bell sounds! Ruby bails, and Serp slides into the ring and rushes headfirst into Jackson, knocking him to the ground! The two are exchanging right hands, and Salvador is EN FUEGO! The roof has just blown off of the Greensboro Coliseum annex, ladies and gentlemen! Jackson throws a dirty elbow that catches Serp in the temple and rakes the eyes. That's enough to fend off the attack, and Jackson is back up to his feet. Uh oh.
A running boot from Jackson misses. A wild swing is ducked. Salvador is sticking and moving, landing jabs where he can. Jackson's rage is swelling, and he catches Sal by the hair and drags him into the corner. Lester Balaam Jackson is RELENTLESS with punches now, this isn't that Secrets of Pro Wrestling punch where you stomp and the stunt granny falls over, this is a backwoods fucking punch to the face, and Serpiente is taking a load of them. Serp is busted open now above the eye and his nose is about two seconds from breaking. The referee tries to help out but gets shoved on his ass for his services. That's enough time for Serpiente to break free with a kick to the knee, but just barely.
Sal's bleeding heavily and on the defense, and Lester won't stop coming. Serp tries to fend him off with stiff forearm uppercuts, but they just change the Bible verse. I've never seen someone move like Jackson, he's like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies. But Serpiente is a warrior, and if anybody is going to go down throwing punches into a machete it's THIS motherfucker. Another punch cracks Serp's cheek, another busts his lip, and a boot to the face sends him stumbling backwards. But he won't fall down! Lester leans against the ropes and comes off with a running kick to the chest that knocks Salvador off his feet, and Sal finally collapses back and lands on the pile of men Jackson made earlier.
Jackson is screaming at the audience now about how they are "sinful" and "wronged." Serp may be out, say it ain't so. Salvador touches his face and feels the blood pouring out. He rubs his jaw (that may be broken) and grimaces. He's down, but he's not on the ground... he notices that he's laying on Del Rio and Jonathan. He sees the jobber pile he's become a part of - and he's NOT GONNA HAVE IT. His face starts to turn red and he climbs to his feet, he's feeling no pain! Jackson hears the crowd reacting and turns to see Serpiente on his feet, asking for more!
SHIT, it's 3:06 AM, there's no WAY they can go much longer with this...
Lester throws a wild right that is blocked, BOOM, a counter punch from Serpiente. Another right is blocked, BOOM, another counter. Jackson is wobbly now, and Serp is firing up! Another big swing is ducked, and Serpiente lays in a HUGE dropkick to Jackson's neck that SENDS HIM TO THE MAT! JACKSON FALLS BEFORE SERPIENTE! AND HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! JACKSON SNATCHES UP THE SWITCHBLADE FROM THE MAT AND LUNGES AT SERP, HOLY SHIT, SERP BLOCKS IT!
Jackson forces Serp to the ground and has that blade positioned only inches from his chest... security finally gets up off of their STUPID ASSES and rushes the ring, along with B. Armstrong Ruby and about half of the PGA roster. Serpiente is on his back telling them no, screaming "NO, THIS IS MY FIGHT." But everyone is in the ring now anyway, and the force of about ten road agents is enough to stop Lester Jackson's forward motion. Serpiente is lying on his back with his eyes closed now, the blade resting on his chest.
Armstrong Ruby is in Lester's face now, yelling something and pointing to the back. MORSE SAYS WE'RE OUT OF TIME. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT NEXT WEEK??
Uh, and as he's talking a big, neatly trimmed by absolutely psychotic-by-sight guy in an old red and black flannel shirt appears in the hallway behind him, walking towards him and yelling some Deuteronomical bible verse about the Wrath of the Lord. Del Rio just sort of laughs nervously and turns to confront him, and dude SLAMS WHOOMP'S HEAD AGAINST THE WALL and starts BITING HIS NOSE OFF, then THROWS HIM BY THE LEG into the catering table (a card table) and BREAKS A COFFEE URN ACROSS HIS FACE, still screaming scripture and repeatedly slamming his head into the floor. At the risk of earning some Biblical violence myself, JESUS FUCKING CHRIST what was that?? We had thirty seconds of OMC doing "wrestlers promo!" to Pru, and then fucking Death Incarnate shows up and it's a snuff film.
Trainers, referees, EMTs show up (all with bandages around their heads) to treat the gaping, gushing wound that used to be Whoomp Del Rio's face. Yech, he's bleeding onto the baby carrots. Suddenly the big calms down and nods his head politely to a freaked-out (with good reason) Pru, then DRAGS DEL RIO AWAY BY THE LEG muttering something about "we all got to answer when that big bell rings" under his breath. What. The. Fuckkkk.
[Mercifully, another commercial break]
- Back from commercial and police are on the scene, asking Pru about what went down. Was that even part of the show? Or did North Carolina just vomit up the devil backstage at PGA?
- In the announcers booth, Tom and King are worried that a serious injury bag might not be enough to help if you get your face broken by a coffee urn and you are dragged away to a hillbilly shack and you are murdered. They wish Whoomp the best in his future endeavors, be they what they are.
----
- Backstage again, Chip Sandles (d'oh) is standing by with El Hijo De Don Leo Jonathan. You may remember him as that guy who got x'd by the aforementioned King Falcon dive last week, so instead of bandages wrapped around his head he's wearing two casts and a halo. Chip asks him how he's feeling (how the fuck do you think he's feeling you square), and Jonathan's response is "every day's a challenge." He swears he'll get back in the ring.
Out of nowhere the backstage door bursts into pieces as the CRAZY EVIL BIBLE GUY FROM EARLIER BARGES IN AND USES WHOOMP DEL RIO AS A WEAPON TO ASSAULT DON LEO JONATHAN!!! I THOUGHT WE HAD THE POLICE TAKING CARE OF THIS. Chip Sandles runs for his life (good call, Chip), and the big guy just keeps wailing on DLJ with Whoomp Del Rio (holding him by the ankles like a baseball bat), screaming and ranting about the "whores of Babylon" (or something). WHAT IS GOING ON, SHOOT HIM SOMEBODY
After a minute or so, this fucked up guy holds Don Leocito by a leg and Del Rio by a leg and drags them out of the room. You don't think... no, he's not...
- Back in the ring, B. Armstrong Ruby is on a cell phone. He hangs up, and announces to the crowd that the new decision is that PGA isn't going to be TV-PG, but they're going to TRY to be TV-PG, and if you could please not write words like "F word" and "B word" and "pedophile" on your posters it would be greatly appreciated. He asks us if we're ready for the main event, and the crowd cheers.
And then...
- This GUY with the jobbers comes out through the entrance way, leaving two lines of blood behind him wherever he walks. Somebody better get out there and make sure nothing happens to the commissioner, I don't want another month without wrestling. Morse says that the police have identified this man as "Lester Balaam Jackson," that he's from " 'round Old Fort, North Carolina" and that he wandered backstage because one of the production guys left the door open. WHAT THE HELL, YOU GUYS
Jackson has his victims at ringside now, and Ruby looks like he's about to lose his mind. Del Rio gets rolled into the ring, and he's just torn up completely. Horrible to look at. Jackson rolls El Hijo De Don Leo Jonathan in after him, and it's the same story. He makes a neat little pile of them and climbs into the ring himself. What. Is. Going. On. Ruby is talking to the production truck over the microphone.
Jackson has absolutely no expression on his face. He reaches into his pocket and PULLS OUT A SWITCHBLADE JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS, somebody needs to... and, uh... he sits down on top of the jobber body pile and starts carving up an apple. Ruby almost pissed himself. *I* almost pissed myself. Now Jackson is singing "Old Man River" to himself. What is this dude's damage? Ruby finally acknowledges him.
Ruby: "What the hell is this? Who are you? Are you a wrestler?"
Jackson stares him down coldly, then stands. Ruby won't take his eyes off the switchblade.
Jackson: [softly] "Can be."
Ruby: "Well, we don't DO THINGS like this around here in the PGA. We do what we do for these fans, to entertain them, to push our bodies to the limit, test our strength... we don't go around -"
Oh shit, Jackson just took a step toward him. Ruby looks to security, but they're all huddled against the back wall with white faces. Ruby looks to Caesar and Morse, who appear to be hiding under their announce table. Ruby looks back down at the switchblade. AND "FIESTA" BY THE POGUES KICKS IN!! FUCK YES
At the top of the entrance way stands Salvador motherfucking Serpiente in full bandito gear. Jackson seems distracted by him and turns to face him. Serpiente whips out the six shooters and fires them off at the ceiling! Off comes the sombrero. Off comes the bandolero bullet belt. Off comes the poncho. THIS IS REAL, BABY.
Match 6: Salvador Serpiente [227 lbs., from City of Zacatecas, Mexico] vs. Lester Balaam Jackson [??? lbs., from 'round Old Fort, North Carolina]
Salvador rushes the ring and the bell sounds! Ruby bails, and Serp slides into the ring and rushes headfirst into Jackson, knocking him to the ground! The two are exchanging right hands, and Salvador is EN FUEGO! The roof has just blown off of the Greensboro Coliseum annex, ladies and gentlemen! Jackson throws a dirty elbow that catches Serp in the temple and rakes the eyes. That's enough to fend off the attack, and Jackson is back up to his feet. Uh oh.
A running boot from Jackson misses. A wild swing is ducked. Salvador is sticking and moving, landing jabs where he can. Jackson's rage is swelling, and he catches Sal by the hair and drags him into the corner. Lester Balaam Jackson is RELENTLESS with punches now, this isn't that Secrets of Pro Wrestling punch where you stomp and the stunt granny falls over, this is a backwoods fucking punch to the face, and Serpiente is taking a load of them. Serp is busted open now above the eye and his nose is about two seconds from breaking. The referee tries to help out but gets shoved on his ass for his services. That's enough time for Serpiente to break free with a kick to the knee, but just barely.
Sal's bleeding heavily and on the defense, and Lester won't stop coming. Serp tries to fend him off with stiff forearm uppercuts, but they just change the Bible verse. I've never seen someone move like Jackson, he's like Jason from the Friday the 13th movies. But Serpiente is a warrior, and if anybody is going to go down throwing punches into a machete it's THIS motherfucker. Another punch cracks Serp's cheek, another busts his lip, and a boot to the face sends him stumbling backwards. But he won't fall down! Lester leans against the ropes and comes off with a running kick to the chest that knocks Salvador off his feet, and Sal finally collapses back and lands on the pile of men Jackson made earlier.
Jackson is screaming at the audience now about how they are "sinful" and "wronged." Serp may be out, say it ain't so. Salvador touches his face and feels the blood pouring out. He rubs his jaw (that may be broken) and grimaces. He's down, but he's not on the ground... he notices that he's laying on Del Rio and Jonathan. He sees the jobber pile he's become a part of - and he's NOT GONNA HAVE IT. His face starts to turn red and he climbs to his feet, he's feeling no pain! Jackson hears the crowd reacting and turns to see Serpiente on his feet, asking for more!
SHIT, it's 3:06 AM, there's no WAY they can go much longer with this...
Lester throws a wild right that is blocked, BOOM, a counter punch from Serpiente. Another right is blocked, BOOM, another counter. Jackson is wobbly now, and Serp is firing up! Another big swing is ducked, and Serpiente lays in a HUGE dropkick to Jackson's neck that SENDS HIM TO THE MAT! JACKSON FALLS BEFORE SERPIENTE! AND HE'S NOT HAPPY ABOUT IT! JACKSON SNATCHES UP THE SWITCHBLADE FROM THE MAT AND LUNGES AT SERP, HOLY SHIT, SERP BLOCKS IT!
Jackson forces Serp to the ground and has that blade positioned only inches from his chest... security finally gets up off of their STUPID ASSES and rushes the ring, along with B. Armstrong Ruby and about half of the PGA roster. Serpiente is on his back telling them no, screaming "NO, THIS IS MY FIGHT." But everyone is in the ring now anyway, and the force of about ten road agents is enough to stop Lester Jackson's forward motion. Serpiente is lying on his back with his eyes closed now, the blade resting on his chest.
Armstrong Ruby is in Lester's face now, yelling something and pointing to the back. MORSE SAYS WE'RE OUT OF TIME. WHAT THE HELL ARE WE GOING TO DO ABOUT NEXT WEEK??
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