PGA Primetime Wednesday! 1/20/10

Match 2: Juniors Division Fatal Fourway
Sleep Disorder [145 lbs., from "Under the Stairs"] vs. Kirkwood Gaps [170 lbs., from Santa Maria, California] vs. Zane "Zubaz" Vance [214 lbs., from Newport Beach, California] vs. "The One Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio [220 lbs., from Quebrada Seca, Panama]

This one is to be contested under Fatal Fourway rules, which means that it isn't elimination... the first wrestler to score a pinfall or submission gets the victory. Sandles explains that this contest was signed before Zubaz won the Where My Opponent At? contest, and a victory from one of the other three men in the match could "go a long way" to changing the World Junior Heavyweight Championship challenger rankings. I need to start buying PWI again so I can follow those.

"Scary Song" by Skinny Disco brings Sleep Disorder's dead ass to the ring first. Sleep races down to and around the ring in his Ghostface mask and costume, making scary hands at the people at ringside. What's funny about Sleep's entrance gear is that not only does he remove a ghost mask to reveal a smaller, tighter, more confusing ghost mask, but he removes the Scream robe and he's got on that weird t-shirt/poncho thing that completely distorts the dimensions of his body and makes him look like a wrestling pillowcase. Maybe that's part of the gimmick. He's clearly in okay shape, but he could have two extra arms under there and we wouldn't ever know it.

And now comes one of the most important moments in PGA history... the official, television debut of POWER Pro champion and living urban legend, Kirkwood Gaps! His POWER Pro theme, "Symphony of Science" starts up, and it sounds less like a wrestling entrance theme and more like somebody listening to Pure Moods in the background at a low volume. But anyway, the music starts up, and... and plays for a little while, and ughhhhh Kirkwood Gaps isn't showing up again, is he. What happened now, did the Cinnabon or whatever burn down? About a few minutes into it, a second referee comes out of the back making waving-off motions, and Chip Sandles supposes that Kirkwood must not be here again tonight. King Caesar: "Well isn't that a surprise." Sandles says that if Gaps doesn't make it out here, he "guesses" this Fatal Fourway becomes a Triple Threat.

We hear "Surfing with the Alien" for the second time tonight, and Crossfire's championship challenger skateboards (instead of jet-skiing) down the ramp to the ring. Zubaz has kept his cool and faced nothing but success here in PGA since his return, doing shockingly well in the World Juniors Cup and Tag Team Gauntlet, really earning the respect (but not the understanding) of the Omniverse. Zubaz hands off his wraparound shades to a lucky youngster in the front row before rolling into the ring. He stands up right in the path of Sleep Disorder, who goes RAHH and holds up scary hands. Zubaz gives him a double high-five.

The superbly melodramatic, illogically Donkey Kong-inspired "Desafio" by Daddy Yankee and Don Omar interrupts Satch's monster solo with some reggaeton, trumpeting the arrival of "The One-Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio. Hey, it's not fair for him to have a partner if nobody else does! During Whoomp's entrance Sandles announces that he's gotten official word that Kirkwood Gaps "couldn't get out of work obligations" and that we've got a Triple Threat on our hands. Caesar sends us to some prerecorded comments from earlier tonight:

Whoomp, in picture-in-picture in front of a green screen background with his big white Walgreens W on it: "Last wednesday was one ofthe most embarassing and humiliating days for Whoomp Del Rio. I came out to your phone studio and I tried to reach out to the PGA Multiverse. The Pimp even gave them a cute little name - Whoompers. I talked about my loyal work towards charities - all the dying boys and girls want to see Whoomp Del Rio! - and what is my reward for pouring my heart and soul out? I reached out to the fans there. I tolerated being around Larry! Whoomp allowed himself to be seen in the same room as that payaso with the stupid hair. And what did I get as my reward? The PGA Universe picked some never-was surfer over me. Zubaz Vance! You are a talentless old man. You do not deserve that title match. Your star burned softly viejo and faded away fast. And Brian Genius is thanking his lucky stars that Whoomp Del Rio did not win that vote. You are through Zubaz, get out of my way."

Zubaz bucks his shoulders and raises an eyebrow to the camera.

Whoomp: "But Whoomp Del Rio has a plan. You want to take away my deserved opportuniy PGA fans? Well tonight I am going to take away your pay per view match. And surfer, when I put you on the shelf for good tonight Senor Ruby will have no choice but to give me that title opportunity. Sleep Disorder and whatshisname you better not get in my way. PGA fans, bésame el culo. And Marisol, wherever you are, you know where to find me later."

Whoomp saunters around the ring until he gets to the kid in the Zubaz glasses. He stops, checks himself in the reflection of the glasses, and TAKES THE GLASSES OFF OF THE KID. Whoomp TEARS THE GLASSES IN HALF! GUARD YOUR AUTOGRAPH BOOK, KID. Zubaz takes exception to this and slides out of the ring, confronting Whoomp. Whoomp holds the pieces of (cheap) glasses in his hand and blows a kiss, sending them falling to Zubaz's feet. Vance looks like he might actually be getting pissed for the first time in his life, but the tense moment is interrupted by Sleep Disorder, who comes FLYINGGGGG over the top rope with a TOPE CON GIRO THAT LEAVES HIM IN THE THIRD ROW OF THE CROWD! Hahaha wowww, he banked off the top of Whoomp and Vance, cleared the kid and his dad, and landed behind them. HOW MANY LAWSUITS CAN WE GET AT ONCE LADIES AND GENTLEMEN. At least he knocked down his opponents.

Sleep comes up in the third row and stands on some free chairs, doing a GRRR at the crowd and getting a pretty good pop. By the time he's climbing over the guardrail, Whoomp is back up and mad, grabbing the Terror That Flips In The Night by his mask and flipping him over backfirst onto the arena floor. Zubaz looks like he's trying to get back into the ring as Whoomp lays a beating on Sleep, stomping him in the back and shoulders. Vance hasn't liked anything that has happened so far, so instead of getting back into the ring he stands up on the apron, runs slowwwwly down it, and JUMPS OFF WITH A LOW CROSSBODY ON WHOOMP DEL RIO! Haha wow, that gets a low HOLY SHIT chant from the fans in the first few rows, and it looks like Zubaz is going to do anything and everything to make his upcoming World Junior Championship attempt count.

That crashes us into a break.

[commercial break]

Back from commercial and the match is still in progress... Sleep Disorder is disoriented down in the corner, adjusting his poncho, as Vance and Del Rio trade chops in the corner. The referee tries to get them out of the corner, and while he's doing this Del Rio PUSHES the ref out of the way and throws a dropkick... but Vance sees it coming and ducks! When Whoomp gets back to his feet, ZUBAZ tries a dropkick, and Whoomp moves out of the way of THAT. So when ZZV gets to his feet again, Del Rio fakes a dropkick, causing Zubaz to move, and Whoomp just throws a straight thumb to the eye for the cheapest shot this side of Rusty Cooledge. Whoomp laughs and maneuvers behind Vance, rolling him up with a schoolboy for a two count.

Whoomp seems pretty proud of himself, standing up and going into some outrageous Panamanian dancing to the horror/delight of the crowd. Sleep Disorder takes this opportunity to rise from the dead... or, uh, whatever.. and hook on the SLEEP CRIME, grounding Whoomp with a surprise inverted Gannosuke clutch! CHECK THE WIKI! The referee counts ONE, TWO, and Zubaz breaks it up. That looked like it was going to be three. BRIAN GENIUS VS. SLEEP DISORDER BOOK IT. Whoomp tries to get to his feet, so Zubaz dropkicks him in the butt to knock him down again. Haha, ass-based offense. Sleep connects with a step-up hurricanrana on Vance, flipping him and his mullet over. Sleep tries to cover on Whoomp, but it only gets one.

Sleep gets to his feet and starts a slow clap, which most of the audience picks up on. It looks like Sleep Disorder is positioning himself to step up off of Zubaz's back into something onto Whoomp... the crowd rises to their feet as Sleep hits the ropes... he steps up onto Zubaz's back and jumps off, landing on Whoomp's shoulders for a rana! But Whoomp catches him, and won't go down... Whoomp turns and looks like he's going to powerbomb Sleep into the turnbuckles, but instead puts his hands on Sleep's butt and pushes him UP and OUT. Sleep actually lands BUTT FIRST on the top turnbuckle, and kinda sorta sells it as something, but I'm not sure it was supposed to hurt. Whoomp charges in and Sleep gets a foot up to cut him off.

Whoomp Del Rio stumbles backwards a bit, so Sleep stands up on the top rope and dives off with a high cross body, which WHOOMP TURNS INTO A STANDING MOONSAULT POWERSLAM! SHIT, RIGHT OFF OF THE FLYING CROSS BODY! UNBELIEVABLE! Whoomp looks satisfied with himself and holds on for the pin... the referee starts to count, but Zubaz is up and HOOKING WHOOMP'S LEGS FOR THE SURFBOARD! Whoomp is flailing his arms around, yelling NO! NO! Vance falls back and lifts Whoomp up for the surfboard, then DROPS HIM BACK WITH THE SURFBOARD DRIVER! RIGHT ON HIS BIG PANAMANIAN HEAD! OHHH IT'S EVEN MORE GRUESOME IN REAL TIME.

Vance smartly goes for the cover on Sleep Disorder, and gets the one, two, and three! Zane Vance wins the Fatal Threeway!

Winner: Zane "Zubaz" Vance [pinfall]

Some smart wrestling by Zubaz there, using his experience advantage and Whoomp's deep personal sense of arrogance to get the win. Whoomp didn't take a lot of punishment in the match so he's recovering fairly quickly from that horrific Surfboard Driver, and gets his eyes open and focused just in time to see Vance strutting up the ramp to the back. We haven't seen the last of the Whoomp/Zubaz relationship, I can tell you that much. Vance challenges for the World Junior Heavyweight Championship next week!