PGA Primetime Wednesday! 1/7/10

- Backstage, Larry Csonka is standing by in a designated area for oil drum and rectangular fence piece storage with Whoomp Del Rio. Whoomp is wearing trunks that are so white I consider getting up and turning down the brightness of my television.

Larry: "Good evening everyone, Larry Csonka here with a man who makes his debut in a HANDICAP match tonight, one Whoomp Del Rio. Whoomp, how are you?" [points microphone]

Whoomp: "Well you know somethin' Larry... Hey, wait a minute, where is that fine young chica with the flower in her hair Larry? The Premiere Panamanian Pimp of the PGA did not come here for your 'tight end' Larry, ha ha, football see?"

Larry makes a face that screams "did they insert me into another fucking Marisol segment."

Whoomp: "Anyway, tonight I, Whoomp Del Rio, finally get some action in the wrestling ring, ha ha. The Highest Paid Panamanian in PGA history now has the chance to show these new PGA fans just what he is made of. I've been doing my squats, Whoomp's been doing his pushups and tonight he is ready to take on not one but two men, if you can call them that. So PGA students Kid Falcon, Jason Waterfalls, you two are gonna learn that you shouldn't have left the schoolyard, because in the real world, the bullies? The bullies are much tougher. And no bully is tougher than the hermano who is his own tag team partner, the one and the only Whoomp Del Rio."

Larry starts to talk, but Whoomp just talks over him.

Whoomp: "And after it is all over, Prima Donnas, ha ha, I hope you are well rested, because you are gonna be up all night with me. Ha ha!"

Whoomp drops the sunglasses to the end of his nose, jerks his head away, and exits stage right, leaving Larry dumbfounded.

---

Match 3: Handicap Match
"The One Man Tag Team" Whoomp Del Rio [220 lbs., from Quebrada Seca, Panama] vs. Jason Waterfalls and Kid Falcon [total combined weight 364 lbs.]

Surprisingly enough the students aren't already in the ring, so I guess that honor belongs solely to Brownie Gonzalez tonight. The lights go down, and in a moment that gives me one part mark out one part eye roll, the Metallica cover of Ennio Morricone's "Ecstacy of Gold" starts up, and out from the entrance curtain emerge Jason Waterfalls, who we met last week, and... he really exists, Kid Falcon. Kid Falcon is billed at 165 pounds but he barely looks it, he stands about 5'9... he's got a crazy getup, too, with a stylized King Falcon mask with like, silver wings coming off the sides and full arm blue sleeves that connect to his neck and mask with NO SHIRT. He's a wirey little guy but he's got a little bit of muscle tone, long blue tights with silver designs on the sides and big clunky silver boots with pads and kickpads. The crowd seems to like him existing so I'm just going to see where it goes.

Did anybody else read the feature about the 2010 students in this week's Wrestling Contemplator? I can't believe the bear cub is ACTUALLY Chumly the Bear III. He's not the direct cub of Chumly, so I guess it's a Rey Misterio/Rey Misterio Jr. type of thing. And I'm not sure which name I like better, the Irish guy in the gladiator pants being named "Rick O'Shea" or the cute girl in the beret being "Marcy Beaucoup." Kid Falcon does one of those old school Jeff Hardy forward flips over the top rope into the ring, landing clumsily but getting all the way over. He looks like an okay athlete at least, and I'm just unsure enough of him to picture him fucking up a dive and seriously injuring someone.

In a complete change of pace, "Desafio" by Daddy Yankee and Don Omar is the entrance theme of Whoomp Del Rio, because I guess Black Dude got to the obvious choice first. Whoomp's bright ass white tights have an orange "W" on the butt in Walgreens/Washington Nationals font, and he's got a white elbow pad, white kneepads, and white boots with orange trim. Dude looks like a Panamanian tic tac. He semi-dance struts his way down to the ring, stopping to kiss any ladies he sees in the front row on the cheek... he sees a fat lady in the crowd and starts in to kiss her, then makes a face and moves on. Bad form, Whoomp. He rolls into the ring, and now we get to find out what all the "one man tag team" business is about.

The bell sounds, and Del Rio (who is about 6'1, 6'2) starts off against Jason Waterfalls. According to the Contemplator, Waterfalls is at the top of his class right now, which might explain why he's got the most boring look and gimmick and is already losing to people on television. That's was Cobb Salad's problem. He didn't get the "guy from Harry Potter" or "son of a bitch indian" gimmicks. Del Rio and Waterfalls tie up, and Whoomp quickly turns that into a standing monkey flip. Nicely done! He drops a series of fast elbows on Waterfalls, who clutches his chest and rolls out of the ring.

Kid Falcon hops over the top rope into an indy standoff pose, but gets stopped in his tracks when Whoomp puts up his hands and says "whoa whoa whoaaa." Whoomp then walks to HIS corner, makes a fake "tag" motion, steps out of the ring, then steps BACK into the ring. The audience collectively goes "ohhhhhhhhhh okay that's what he does," and we move on from it. Kid Falcon charges in, but Whoomp sidesteps him and smacks him in the back, sending him chest first into the turnbuckle. Del Rio hooks the student for a reverse suplex, but suplexes him backfirst into the top turnbuckle, letting the Kid Falcon flip and land awkwardly on his head. Not very nice, Whoomp!

Jason Waterfalls is back in now, and attacks Whoomp from behind, hitting some forearms and hooking in a headlock. That doesn't last long as Whoomp backs up into the ropes and escapes, shooting Waterfalls into the ropes, and backdropping him on the rebound with a resounding HUH! Kid Falcon is up on the top rope now, and when Del Rio turns around, Falcon flies and connects with a hurricanrana! The kid's got legs! Whoomp comes up to his feet quickly and falls backwards into the corner, and Kid Falcon charges in again... Whoomp alley oops him up and over, and Falcon lands on the second ropes! Whoomp is momentarily confused, so Falcon jumps from the second ropes, turning 180 in the air and landing on the TOP ropes (nice!)... Whoomp simply turns around and sweeps Kid Falcon's legs out from under him, causing him to flop and land chest first on the top turnbuckle!

He's still hanging up there precariously as Jason Waterfalls charges in now, but Whoomp sidesteps him and sends him crashing into Falcon, before dumping him out of the ring through the ropes. With Kid Falcon dead to rights, Whoomp European uppercuts him with the right arm, then with the left arm, and pulls him off the top into a fallaway slam position. Then he decides to STANDING MOONSAULT POWERSLAM him for the three. One man tag team, I guess!

Winner: Whoomp Del Rio [standing moonsault powerslam]

Chip Sandles tells us that that move is called the "Breathtaker," and Whoomp claims he can execute it on anyone and hit it from anywhere. An impressive win for Whoomp, and hey, Kid Falcon's got some promise in him. We hear Del Rio's reggaton theme again, because he likes reggae a ton.